No Regret

I sit here in a daze, not sure how life just got turned so upside down. I'm supposed to be in BC right now, visiting family and friends, and most importantly, my Aunt Norma. But she passed away on Tuesday and I am left in shock.

Her cancer diagnosis came in the fall last year. One disadvantage of living so far away from family is feeling left out of the loop when it comes to family news. Aunt Norma did send out occasional emails to let a few people know what was happening, but she was never one to want to much attention focused on herself. So I truly had no idea of just how grave her situation was until just a few weeks ago.

I learned that the cancer had spread to her liver and bones. She was sick before her first treatment even began. The treatment itself just about killed her and she was in and out of the hospital a few times. I decided I wanted to go to BC to visit her, thinking perhaps she still had many months. We debated which month to go and decided I'd travel there on March 22nd. I got a phone call from an uncle on the 17th, suggesting that I might want to come sooner. I was stunned - how could she be this sick already?

From the time I talked to my uncle until I was on the airplane was about 4 hours. Thankfully we were able to change my flights (some penalty, of course) and there was lots of room on my flight, even though it was the end of spring break. I'm amazed how quickly things can happen when the situation calls for it.

I arrived at her hospital room, in the palliative care wing, early on Sunday afternoon. Despite how she was feeling, she seemed pleased to see me and managed a little smile - there was even a little sparkle in her eye, I'm sure. We spent the rest of the day with her and I was able to help her with her lunch and make her comfortable. We managed to have a nice conversation, although it was incredibly difficult for her.

I have lived with regret since my mom passed away many years ago. In my childlike naivete or ignorance, I didn't believe that my mom would die. And there are so many things I should have said to her that I didn't and then she was gone. I would give anything to have that chance again to talk to my mom.

Aunt Norma looked after our family after my mom was gone. With no children of her own, she doted on her nieces and nephews, and especially on my sister and me. She loved us and always made us feel special. And now I had a chance to say thank-you to her and I am so unendingly grateful that I won't have those regrets. I like to think she left earth knowing how loved and appreciated she was by so many people.

We rushed to the hospital on Monday morning with the news that she'd taken a turn for the worse. She never really woke up again. She was constantly surrounded by her family for two days and then when almost everyone had left on Tuesday, she quietly slipped away. No fanfare. Just peace. When she was ready to go. I've always thought her favourite season was spring, and she died on the first day of spring.

The number of people that filled her hospital room those last few days is amazing, but not surprising. She was such a calm and loving presence in the lives of so many and everyone wanted a chance to let her know how special she was.

Even though I didn't get to spend a lot of time with her in person over the last years, we emailed regularly and she always sent wonderful cards in the mail when there was a birthday. She loved to know what was happening in our lives.

I'm thankful that her suffering is over and that she's at peace, but I'm going to miss her terribly.